Making Memories Down Memory Lane

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beautiful hipster young women sisters friends in the city

Expat sprees to see friends and family are surreal.

As after a while away our home and histories feel familiar and foreign simultaneously.

For me, stepping into my native Manchester feels like walking onto a set of Coronation Street.

The strong accents, terraced streets and grey skies are a stark contrast to the life I’ve adapted to in Australia. It’s weird because the place is constantly on my mind. Yet suddenly it’s like seeing it for the first time.

This destination disparity is new emotional territory.

As it’s not just the country contrast between our motherland and adopted place that makes it at first feel unreal.

Visiting the place now in our past to see people that are still so much a part of our present is a strange situation that can evoke unsettling sensations.

Because expats lead a double life.

Our feet are walking a new path yet we keep a constant hand in our old lives. Rarely does a day go by without thinking of home or some contact over Skype, Facebook or the phone.

So while amazingly exciting, going back can bring forward overwhelming emotions of nostalgia, homesickness and uncertainty of where we belong.

Here’s what I’ve found on my three trips over five years to the UK:

Stage fright: No matter who and where you’re meeting there’s a build-up to the first greeting. And at the airport gate there’s an air of anticipation that can make it feel a fraction like a first date! It’s a paradoxical place to feel a little apprehensive to face the friends and family you’re most comfortable with. But it’s always short lived regardless of the length you’ve been away. And it’s a remarkable revelation to find with most you’re just as close. And in many cases even more so.

A new set: Viewing a different town for a time means you see your old city through a new lens. And visiting England from Australia is like stepping out of a library into Primark on a Saturday afternoon! As while once entirely normal, England’s dense population, narrow roads, stacked buildings and grey skies against Australia’s stretched out residents, open spaces, wide roads and blue skies can feel chaotic, claustrophobic and closed in. Not to mention cold!

A changing cast: Much like the place, you see your old crowd and community with fresh eyes. Suddenly your dad looks 60[1], the dog got fat and your brother is an irritating prat. But you view the virtues and quirky qualities in people as if they were new too; your sister’s chirpy chattering and your unique union, the panacea of your parent’s and grandparent’s presence and the fabness of your friends. When you live half way round the world you gain a whole new appreciation of the traits of your most treasured.

Under pressure: Under the spotlight, on a short timeframe and battling jetlag, there’s a little stress when you want to be and make it the best. You maintain a mental tally of missed milestones and who you’ve not yet met. All the while you want to maximise your time resulting in running round like a tourist in your traditional town. Particularly as, while it doesn’t feel like a holiday, you’re likely using all your holidays!

High expectations: You realise that, while less visible since you’re no longer near, problems don’t just disappear. The first time you may find it difficult to deal with dynamics when you are set on savouring the specialness. But it’s important to note you’re having a temporary experience in other peoples’ permanent place rather than a holiday escape!

Feeling like an extra: You can feel like an outsider. Because you’re a guest in everyday lives you’re no longer a daily part of. And your expat life suddenly feels non-existent! However when your presence is infrequent you also receive fantastic special treatment! And it’s a relief to replace intermittent expat isolation for the constant and calming company of your clan.

Fantasies of returning: Whether decided your new place is permanent or frustratingly fixed on the fence you can’t help but have fantasies of how you would fit in once again. Buts it’s impossible to accurately judge the place while living out of a case!

Nostalgia: While away, past times replay like an old sitcom in your mind. The melancholy can be painful as you ponder if you’ll repeat old patterns again. Absorbing it back on old ground can bring days gone by to the surface. Yet the ache dissipates. And instead you may start to feel a trace of longing for your new place.

Homeless at home: On your first or second visit, there’s realisation and regret there’s a part of you you’ll never regain. That feeling of comfortableness, contentedness and community, a presumed disposition you don’t predict will be misplaced, is now as obscure as Gail Platt’s chin.  Even if you were to return there would always be a yearn. Because, although a pleasure and privilege, when you have two homes you become inevitably incomplete in both.

There’s no doubt expat expeditions to see friends and family are exhilarating. Yet they can also be daunting, exhausting and emotional.

As in our adopted countries we’ve adapted to new roles. And while attributes comprise homesickness, nostalgia and displacement, we’ve played the part so many times we’ve learnt the lines by heart.

But at home we play a cameo role. On a set we’re now less comfortable with, leaving us stumbling over the script.

Yet that’s the price we pay once we’ve opened our hearts and minds to a new life and way. As we experience more than one wonderful world.

So with a lump in our throat we say goodbye while trying not to cry.

But we take with us a magical memory reel of taking tourist trips, swapping sentimental gifts, snatching special squeezes and sharing treasured chats and precious laughs. Not forgetting getting downright Deirdre Barlowed!

We hold on to these moments hoping they’ll compensate for lost time.

And we play them on repeat…

Until the next memorable time we meet.

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[1] I suspect my dad doesn’t read these, but just in case; I’m only joking!!!

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13 thoughts on “Making Memories Down Memory Lane

  1. Oh this made me quite emotional reading this! You’re so spot on with it all. I definitely think it’s tough going back to visit ‘home’ and I think considering it as a holiday is the first mistake any expat can make! As always Nicola you’ve so eloquently summed up how I feel as an expat. Your writing truly is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing with #myexpatfamily

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  2. A very honest list, and so relatable. I totally understand the emotions you must be going through as I moved away from my family too. The nostalgi never truly goes away..but it will get better. #myexpatfamily

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This sounds so familiar, I can identify with so much here… The nostalgia and tinge of sadness that goes with visits home, feeling like an outsider and feeling incomplete in both places. It’s true we lead double lives, I’ve often thought that. You’ve expressed it so well! #MyExpatFamily

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